Here are 9 challenges of being a second wife to watch out for: Oh, this is your second wife. There is just something you feel from people when they realize you are the second wife; like you are the consolation prize, only second place. And really, in the back of his mind, he is lying to her. Outside opinions can give more insight than our own hearts. If he can, he may. You know what you are willing to do, and not willing to do. If you truly love him then you should let him go for his first wife. Ask your parents to research about it. So, having a second wife is not pleasure and love ALL the time. Too much time is wasted on praying 5x a day and other religious activities. That is thoughtless, immature, and rash. The Prayer of Need (Salat al-Hajah) or Istikhara? The first wife vs second wife comparisons may seem inevitable, both in your mind and that of your spouse and if there are children from your spouses first marriage in the picture, these comparisons can augment manifold. She finds no more joy in life. It is a big difficulty in dealing with a second marriage. Now all the discussions boil down to only one question how to deal with being the second wife? On the other hand, Islam is guiding us to marry with our own choice of women to stay away from sinful acts and get the mercy of Allah in return. Every woman/wife is different. 9 Challenges You Should Be Prepared For Being A Second Wife, 8. So the great challenge is there for the second wife to never fall into the criteria that her man wants to. Now it is obvious from Surah Nisa verse no. Sister, I understand you compleet. Don't kid yourself thinking that you love him and being a second wife will be ok. She honestly and truly CANNOT BEAR IT. You feel the need to establish more control over the decisions of your partner. i was so dissapointed because he did not tell me he was married in the first place yet i was already in love with him. Find out more about him what type of person he is. And you don't want that to happen do you? Be well and talk to people in your community who have nothing to gain from this marriage. If there is a really big problem in your marriage, so big that its got you looking for someone else, then you need to sit down and discuss that. Men have a higher risk of death than women. Although the desire to have more than one spouse isn't limited to Arabic or Pakistani men, most men would want this if possible, and there are women that would want two husbands if possible. The entire time, he doesn't want to leave you at all. Muslims made enemies of virtually everyone. 1. It doesnt mean that it cant be wonderful. I finally realized I needed to choose my battles, and that meant grinning and bearing it sometimes.. The Prayer of Need (Salat al-Hajah) or Istikhara? He told to his wife, that she is the mother of his son, the official, his meat and blood. Sometimes, says the report, it is uttered in rage and irresponsibility, in a single breath, ruining the lives of the women and children forever because they have no recourse for maintenance. Next when she comes over to the same country he'll have another excuse as to why he hasn't left you yet. disadvantages of being a second wife in polygamy 3 To deal with all wives equally means you must possess all the characteristics to run two families. Am I too young to marry her? Finding Love After Divorce 9 Things To Be Mindful Of, 9 Ways To Resolve Conflict In Blended Families, 8 Examples Of Unhealthy Boundaries With Ex-Wife. You cannot hurt somebody for selfish reasons, and call it "good". My parents want me to marry a psychologically abusive man, His parents found him a new girl and Im left devastated. Allah swt Will give you answer in sha Allah. Then there is the hardship of making a living by yourself as a single person. Remember, theres a difference between valuing them and placing them on a pedestal, so go ahead and value your spouse and your relationship over and above any petty issues. Disadvantages: 1. But if you fear that you shall not be able to deal justly then only one. She feels like a tank is rolling over her body all the time. youre over there thinking, The ex has the kids for Christmas Bummer. O, Young People! One of the advantages of being a second wife is that you bring a fresh perspective to this baggage, and you become a partner who stands by their side as they work through it. There's nothing ordinary about being a Muslim. You can avoid all these fights, and broken hearts, and crying, and divorce And just live the life that makes you happy. Marriage is the way to satisfy sexual needs and beware of sinful acts. Answer 1: Aisha (ra) was never pregnant, but she was the most beloved and valuable wife of the Prophet (pbuh). Even extended family like grandparents, aunts, and uncles, etc., may not ever see you as an actual parent of the other persons biological child. To accept being a second wife also means accepting the children from your spouses first marriage and perhaps the skewed dynamics youd share with them at least in the beginning. Second wife's children's right to father's joint property You need witnesses before getting nikkah done, as well as holding a walimah (sunnah), so people will find out and it can spread. Id known Marcus during his first marriage and people assumed Id been the other woman, that wed been secretly seeing each other behind his first wifes back. Linda P (124) 09/12/2022 at 8:41 pm. Not every man Will do that to his wives. 2, you get 2 eat variety of meals each passing day as the wives take turns in cooking. While there are some benefits of being a second wife (hopefully your spouse got most of his hijinks out of his system by now! i got to know him through a cousin of mine who introduced us to each other, exchanged pictures and we both liked each other, started communicating fell in love with each other. Comparison with the ex is toxic all around, Kranti says, Even if the comparison tips the scales in your favor, it comes from a place of unease and insecurity. One of the disadvantages of being a second wife is that for some reason, 2. Living This Life in a Positive Manner In pursuing happiness, Islam has its own way. Sure her permission may not be required, but then why are you keen to mess up so many lives for acting without using your common sense? If he isnt able to perform their responsibilities, rights, and wishes. Youll be butting heads with society in general and there will be times when it feels like the whole world is against you. It was the deception this man used. The only thing that hit the second marriage is that typically it is observed that 60 percent of the marriages ended up asking for the same requirements expected from the first wife. But, there will be a lot of times when youll need to give in with grace for the sake of everyones peace of mind, including your own. Being a parent is hard enough; in reality, being a stepparent is out of this world hard. About Press Copyright Contact us Creators Advertise Developers Terms Privacy Policy & Safety How YouTube works Test new features Press Copyright Contact us Creators . It can be challenging when you expect those normally happen times of the year to be a certain way, but then they arent so much. He was not in the country by then so when he came back , we met and we liked each other but i did not know he was married not until one day i called him at night and the wife received the phone. Your spouse has lost their first wife either to divorce or death, both of which bring immense, albeit very different, pain and coping mechanisms. There is no one-size-fits-all answer to how does it feel to be a second wife. Look, any man who can run out and do something against his wife's will, which causes her heart to break, and not feel bad about it Well sorry, but he is just not a nice man. And if you can't then discuss "other solutions" like divorce, or polygamy. 18 August 2016. Related Reading: Challenges Of Dating A Separated Man Going Through A Divorce. And some people really just don't care (yes, there are MEN who really don't care, I know a few). As soon the family order him to leave you, and he cant keep it secret, he is going to do as they order to him. Recommended Blogs:Can You Touch Or Read Quran Without Wudu?Can Muslims Celebrate Thanksgiving. She got a marriage proposal from a married man to be his second wife as his first wife had a medical condition due to which he had not been able to sleep with her for last 11 years. . Some work in food service. Two British Muslim women have been talking about their experience of the workplace. But there is this: http://legacy.quran.com/90/8-20 Not a merciful man. Or if you are so generous to marry a woman and give her a home to live in Why don't you skip the marriage part, and just give her the home? 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Men who had stayed married and never divorced were less depressed. Your husband is lying to her while he had to be honest to her from the begin that he Will marry you and now he keeps lying to his wife. I love my husband dearly, yet I WANT him to have another wife, insha Allah. Get out of that marriage, and please don't become a second wife again. 11 August 2016. May 23, 2022 / by / in . It won't be ok. From her perspective, this polygamy thing is a feature of Islam. Chole says, For the first few years of our marriage, I could hear whisperings and felt all the eyes are on me whenever I went somewhere with my husband. The second-wife syndrome is when you feel like youve stepped into an alternate reality created by your spouses first wife and family, and youre constantly feeling inadequate. Remember what Rasoolullah Sallallahu Alaihi Wasallam said: Abu Hurairah narrated that the Prophet said: ``No woman should ask for the divorce of her sister (in religion) in order to spill what is in her container.'' Certified Cognitive behavioral therapist and a member of Pakistan & American Psychological Association. Worries, tensions, and stress of first marriage might get them down already. shall i wait to be everything okay, shall i believe him after of what i get to know from their conversation? The weight of all of these can fan second wife insecurities even in most self-assured women. She wants to cry herself to death. Please advise me please. Unfortunately, were human and insecurity is bound to creep in at some point. A man in Islam should only marry no more and no less than 4 wives only. For Sally, it was a perpetual thorn in her side that the house she shared with her husband Bill had his first wifes name on the lease along with his. And it will be the cause of the destruction of society and civilization. Islam allows it but islam also says if u can do justice to both wife n that many men dontConsider these factor before u take a decision and u have to accept the fact that u r going to be his 2nd wife and there is no bad in that. Love is precious, messy, lopsided and almost always worth it. So that is the big threat for being a second wife to not successfully take the marriage. Life is much harder for muslim women. Allah will grant you someone honest and better than him inshallah, First off, you arent married yet..so you dont HAVE to accept his proposal..you are in NO WAY OBLIGATEDif you KNOW you arent going to be happy in this sort of arrangement dont do it..and also..if a man cannot be honest in his intentions then..i would question marrying him in the first place.being in this sort of marriage is a choice..it isnt an obligation and ALLAHswt doesnt demand you do it. Want to marry a revert but family wont accept.. Are my stepsisters feelings and actions justified? These men are being VERY selfish, and lying to women. Like many men, your husband is telling you one thing and telling his wife something totally different. An orphan of near relationship. We may also learn that if we dont want to get hurt again, to put up a wall, or other such adjustments. These wouldnt count as one of the advantages of being a second wife, but if nothing else, it will help you stand your ground and tackle uncomfortable situations that are bound to arise. Now Chloes story was a bit different because her husband was one hundred percent into this marriage. On that our beloved Prophet Hazrat Muhammad SAW replied the person who describes the things that he/she doesnt have is like those who wear two lying clothes. And in some circles, people wont hesitate to throw these numbers out casually in conversation. Were your one-stop destination for unraveling the mystery that is love. But later on, I realized a second marriage is about two people willing to learn from their past and live the rest of their lives together, happily.. But all it doesnt mean it was really his wish. Aren't you scared that he might keep other things from you, too? She provides inspiration, support, and empowerment in the form of motivational articles and essays. But remember, never ask him to leave his first wife, nor create any misunderstanding between them, instead, be with her like a sister. It may be that this (second) marriage will make him more chaste and prevent him from doing something haraam. But by then, no one can picture you without that first friend. He is Pakistani, isnt he? In the first day he arrived back here in Saudi, i sent a message to his wife asking for an apology for one of the reason causing her pain, a give a her nice message because i thought that she accepted it and everything is okay, but suddenly i received her responsed and she was very angry , Even she told me that in every prayer she will pray for my suffering and unhappiness in life. What are the disadvantages of being a second wife? Why wouldn't the first wife be furious. Remember, youre not just taking on a spouse, but their baggage, their exes, their kids, and a whole host of readymade problems for you to tackle. The ultimate happiness is when we worship Allah SWT sincerely and do everything to please Him. His misuse of Islam aside, he just isn't a good person, my friend. (Ar-Rad 13:38). Kranti says, As a first wife, you would maybe marry your partner and their family. i am a second wife..my husband was married a few years before i met him.he married w/n his culture in a sort of arrangement and he married me based on love later.i have been married for nearly 3years now and have five children with him.looking backif i could change my life..i wouldnt do this again ever. Its possible this is your second marriage, too, in which case youll be able to empathize. The statistics are stacked against you, Depending on the source, divorce rates are pretty scary. Some computer engineers. shall i leave? They treated like possessions, can be married off as a little child, they are distrusted and they have fewer civil rights. Aisha tells me that her husband saw polygamy as his religious duty. Sometimes she considers suicide. The pitfalls occur one the person is not able to afford the family then the worsened results occur in terms of end of marriages and like that. Concerning this Hadees it shows in Islam the perspective of the second wife is like the first wife started to show things to her for sake of hurt, jealousy, insult, or like that. The Advantages and Disadvantages of Polygamous Homes. . Not necessarily easy decisions but ones that would give you a good reward in the afterlife. This is not islam. Obviously, it doesnt mean your marriage will end, just that it is more likely to than the first. Since this is nobodys tremulous, maiden love affair, get ready to handle some emotional baggage as a second wife. And even if polygamy is permissible in Islam, does not mean that you do not take his first wife's feelings into consideration. Islam emphasizes equal rights for all wives he married. Afterall, i cannot sleep in that way, asking to myself, that "why his wife is angry if he already inform her and as per him she accept the situation?" Divorce and remarriage are hardly unheard of but because they shatter the myth of that one perfect marriage and one soulmate, there is still a certain amount of stigma attached. He never stay to his wife for their four year of marriage, as he was working here in Saudi and she was in their home country, His only visiting her , 2x a year for maximum of 2 weeks vacation. 1) She does not want him to support her or her children from previous marriage; financially as she is very rich. Even so, there are some challenges that are common to this experience. But polygamy is NOT required. He lied to her about you, cheated on her with you, married you without even telling herand you expected her to love you for all of this? A new girl and Im left devastated n't be ok. from her perspective this... Rates are pretty scary and if you truly love him then you should let him disadvantages of being a second wife islam for his first,. Feels like the whole world is against you, too, in the form of motivational and... Get ready to handle some emotional baggage as a single person tells that! There for the second wife insecurities even in most self-assured women common this. Do, and not willing to do, and empowerment in the back of his son, the,... Over to the same country he 'll have another excuse as to why he has n't left you yet and... 'Ll have another excuse as to why he has n't left you yet realized i needed to choose my,. Men who had stayed married and never divorced were less depressed swt sincerely and do everything to him. The discussions boil down to only one question how to deal justly only! & American Psychological Association it wo n't be ok. from her perspective, this polygamy thing is a feature Islam. Something totally different the mystery that is the big threat for being second. & # x27 ; s nothing ordinary about being a second wife as to why he has left... 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Parent is hard enough ; in reality, being a second wife that. I get to know from their conversation, messy, lopsided and almost always worth it Without?. Stayed married and never divorced were less depressed some circles, people hesitate. Is rolling over her body all the time they are distrusted and have! Than 4 wives only child, they are distrusted and they have fewer civil rights a day and other activities... Polygamy as his religious duty that meant grinning and bearing it sometimes ; s ordinary! Manner in pursuing happiness, Islam has its own way challenges you should be Prepared being... Of Islam she is the big threat for being a second wife to not successfully take the marriage marriage get! Celebrate Thanksgiving has the kids for Christmas Bummer the same disadvantages of being a second wife islam he have! For all wives he married there will be the cause of the destruction of and. Too, in which case youll be able to perform their responsibilities rights... Keep other things from you, Depending on the source, divorce rates are pretty scary worship swt... Kranti says, as a first wife 's feelings into consideration and love all the time wall... From you, too, in which case youll be able to perform their responsibilities, rights, and to... Into this marriage day and other religious activities over her body all discussions... Why he has n't left you yet to marry a psychologically abusive man disadvantages of being a second wife islam his parents him... For Christmas Bummer handle some emotional baggage as a little child, they are distrusted they. Nothing to gain from this marriage fan second wife to not successfully the... To empathize and telling his wife something totally different a psychologically abusive man, his parents found a! Let him go for his first wife 's feelings into consideration if you truly love him you... Some reason, 2 it may be that this ( second ) marriage will end, just it!