But before all of that, you have to give him space and time to initiate the change. It may seem like he loves them more than he loves you. My husband chooses his family over me. My family's tradition of 'matching-matching' names is so obsessive, it's against the order of nature. Rather than fighting for my dignity, you will tell me to ignore things or maybe try to justify their toxic behavior towards me. Get expert help figuring out a plan of action if your husband chooses his family over you. What he is doing comes naturally to him. Thats how he ends up spending more time with his family than with you. Youll only get complicate things if you pull others into the situation. What is the reason for it? What to do when your husband is too attached to his family and they get a say in all decisions big and small regarding your lives and that of your children? Sometimes, you have to take a step back and reevaluate the situation. Tell him to have the weekends for such visits. Take a class that youve always wanted to delve into. Why is it that only the mothers in law are the ones who are the most difficult to please? Lets take a look at 3 of the most common scenarios where a husband might put his family before his partner, and how you can deal with each of them. Its pretty adjustable once or twice a week, but when it becomes a frequent affair, it can be a burden on you. When children are socialized in India it is drilled into their head that your parents will always be your priority and even now when sons want to have a separate residence after marriage there is severe criticism not only from parents but also relatives and the neighbors who keep saying: there goes the son tied to the wifes pallu. If he chooses his mom over you thats his prerogative. This can cause a major rift if youre more independent, or if you want to build a strong marriage without mommy and daddy thinking that they can rule the two of you right into adulthood. So if he has money to buy one Kanjeevaram saree, he will buy it for his mother. Dont taunt him for being a mamas boy. In the second case, men generally think of their mothers as vulnerable weaklings who need protection much more than their wives - who are young and strong. Tell your husband that he can spend alternative days with his parents and the rest of the time with you. Does he take their side or let them disrespect you? You never mentioned that your promise of protecting me comes with *Terms and Condition. She supports him financially and in return, he chooses her over you, your children, and anyone else. They are the only known and loved the face in a house full of strangers, at times. When my uncles Anil and Anant married, they took advantage of a heinous custom in Marathi weddings. Instead, hell understand why you feel that way and try his best to change for the better. Has your husband been constantly visiting his cousin in the hospital after work because she is recovering from an accident? First, take a step back and breathe. So, next time he chooses to spend a bit more time with his father than with you and chooses to go golfing with him, chances are hes doing it because he wants to satisfy his father and keep the peace between you. Hence, the only solution here is to be firm about your stance and ask your husband to equally respond to both sides of the argument. Do you want to stay in this marriage, knowing full well that youll never be treated with proper respect and appreciation, always being second (third, fourth) behind your husbands family members? Should Your Spouse Be Your First Priority? In that case, you have to understand his true feelings or maybe encourage him to break the patriarchal norms of the family. Its a well-known fact that women mature faster than men. Does your home feel like a Dharamsala where relatives walk in without even calling and expect you to leave everything and make tea and snacks for them the moment they show their face? Marriage doesnt include just you and him your in-laws are part of the equation as well. Unlike when in the UK or US where mothers often stop to have a drink after work before heading home, you would always see an Indian mom rushing home from work to help her child with homework or toss up delicacies for them. The famous mamas boy. Basically, if your husband is showing you that youre not top priority in his life, then make yourself the priority in yours. You need to understand why they said that to you; They are not your enemies., Accept them, they are like that. Dont normalize the toxic behavior just because they are your parents or siblings. By prioritizing your own needs and occupying yourself with your own pursuits, youll be less resentful of the time your husband is giving them instead of you. Let your family and friends know that when it comes to your wife and marriage, there is a line they cannot be crossed. So, what to do when your husband is too attached to his family? If you dont say it, your husband wont know it. However, you have to set your boundaries and inform him about them if need be. 3.) Its fine for him to enjoy spending time with his family most of us do but its important for him to also enjoy spending time with you, alone or with your children, doing things that couples and families do together. In account of this, we bring to you some useful pieces of advice you can take heed of when your husband choose his family over you. It could be that your in-laws and his siblings are always included in your family travel plans. In such instances, ask your husband to limit such visits to the weekend only or you can also attend to your own schedule without having to heart taunts about it. But the problem arises when your man decides to embark on a new journey and start his own family. But dont do it with a sense of vengeance or to get back at him. If your situation is similar, it helps to remember that Indian men do develop very strong relationships with their mothers and they do keep reminding their sons that they did sacrifice a lot to give them better lives and they would have to reciprocate when they are ready for that. Do you want to stay with a man who will bend to his familys will at your expense? He shouldnt take their side or favor their view simply because hes afraid of standing up to them. What can you do to break this deadlock? If it has come to the point that you needed to put that question into words, the chances are that youre not going to like the reply as well. One excuse thats commonly heard in situations where your husband chooses his family over you is theyve been family to me longer than weve been a couple.. all about love and couple relationships in their varied forms. All about sneakers. But, I refuse to become a victim of toxic behavior anymore. Is this the man you want by your side for the rest of your life, if this is the path being laid out for you? This is a reality in many homes in India and wives are expected to entertain relatives because the husband is choosing his family over his wife. Rajesh is a protective and caring son, and Meenu treats that affection as an affront to her place in her life. Except a zombie would actually acknowledge your existence. This can cause a lot of trust issues and distress in the marriage. I'm more of a take sides kinda gal. Tell your husband to ask his parents to choose one destination and the second holiday destination will be your choice. So why not chat online to a relationship expert from Relationship Hero who can help you figure things out before its too late. Here are 12 things you could do to make the dynamics of your relationship with your husband vis-a-vis his family more streamlined: They could be working or they could be homemakers but it is a fact that the Indian mothers life revolves around children. Some families are close. And so did he. And for them, you have been giving that zip-lining and bungee jumping holidays a miss. But if you have a discussion with him and tell him how you feel, then both of you could sit together and work a way out. My wife constantly pleaded with me to not drink, not drink too much, or to not go out at all I'd still go out, drink too much and get drunk . If I come last for you, then you dont deserve the right to come first for me.. Refusing to move far away from their mom, or even still living with her. And then there are times when men choose to live with their parents even though they have some other options. Mothers-in-law usually feel threatened by the presence of another woman in their sons life. I know that youre hurt now. It means that youre willing to give and take to make things better. Or, give them two options for something, but make them options where you would be happy with either say, the feature wallpaper for your spare room. Be completely open with him and tell him how these relationships have been making you feel isolated and neglected. But theres nothing greater than being a team player with your husband because it means that youre spouses, best friends, and partners in crime all rolled into one. Learn how your comment data is processed. What both partners need to keep in mind is that both of them face such dilemmas while going face-to-face with each others families. Instead, show compassion and understanding. If you see that your husband is prioritising his family and spending time with them more, then you can also start doing the same. Tell him while you will ensure that you are not overshooting the budget, he has to ensure his parents are doing the same. But not all of us are ready and know how to compromise. Living with his mother (at the time of her death) was his 26- year-old younger sister and 25-year-old Focus on yourself. Spend as much time with your own parents or visit cousins as much as he does. Being with a husband who sides with his family every time is an excruciating situation to contend with. Lets say that your husband constantly invites you to go over to his parents house for dinner. They think of them as children and as such create an unhealthy mother-son relationship. Try to ignore the bad things and look for the good ones.. One day he visits the hospital, the other day Maths with a son. And Im not one to judge this is a great thing. He feels a need to show his family that they are still important to him. Does your husband provide a large part of his income to his parents and family that leaves you and the kids struggling at the end of the month? And when this line of defense fails, the first crack in the marriage appears. Feeling let down because your husband chooses his family and their feelings over you and yours. So what to do when your husband chooses his family over you? We dont get to choose our family members, but we do get to choose our life partners. I refuse to be abused in the name of sanskaar and elders respect. Their motto is, "Once family, always family." By. When you are marrying someone and promising to spend your life with them, it is a given that your spouse will be your first priority. Communicate With Him. When you exchanged your vows with the man you expected to choose you over everyone, you wanted him to be there by your side through thick and thin. Women feel that they are being left alone at the time of need and they feel abandoned. If your husband was raised by very domineering or controlling parents, he might still be very cowed and obedient with them even when and if it comes to your marriage and life decisions together. 2. And most marriages dont have any issues with their in-laws as most of them live their separate lives and are aware that they should mind their own business. Get your dose of relationship advice from Bonobology right in your inbox. Indian mothers-in-law are said to be pretty possessive about their sons and so, at times they cause unnecessary fights and arguments with their daughter-in-law. If your husband is selfish, he may not realize the rewards of being generous and kind. Here youll find some tips that could help you deal with this issue. There is no big secret to things, just play the game wisely. Your husband might not even know that you feel that he is choosing his family over you. Mothers have a distinct bond with their children; they can sense their childs need almost telepathically. They may say things like Are you okay with this? or Is this what you want? or Do you agree?, Make sure your husband is prepared for this. This page contains affiliate links. Well, the reason you fell for your guy might be because he shares a deep and strong connection with his parents. Think Aloud is a destination where youll find stories about every step you, as a woman, take. This is a rather difficult one to recognize unless you directly ask him. I will always protect you!. Stop pouring all your attention and energy into your selfish husband, and direct it at yourself instead. Their partners rely on them for that. In a case like this, you need to make it very clear to your husband that the two of you are a united team, and that you need to make decisions for yourselves, regardless of what his parents might think or want. And then post marriage, you wonder why your husband chooses his family, again and again,hurting you in the process. He has to improve to be a better husband to you and not the other way around. Everyone is living under the same roof, 4. Copyright A Conscious Rethink. He needs to take care of you and not be so focused on his parents that he forgets about you. Will he just ignore it? Hell just continue choosing his family over you. That way your husband does not get to choose his family over you. Another reason your spouse might choose his family over you is if you and your in-laws are living under the same roof. They just secretly hope that hell get out of his mothers shadow and take control of his own life. Their childhood and pre-birth bond are still very much present, and it is very likely that the son is incapable of admitting the faults of the mother. But there is a balance to be struck here. While I made you my priority, it is heart-wrenching that I was still not your priority. I left my whole life behind to create a beautiful future with you. It's easy to see how it could seem that way. #relationships #relationshiptips #marriage What to Do When Your Husband Chooses His Family over You? If he continues to only support his mother, tell him that its going to be a huge problem in the upcoming future. He wants to keep the peace between everyone, 3. When their sons arent around them, they dont know what to do and they feel like they need them all day every day. You have to take a step back so he can figure out that he needs to change. Women Power . And to combat any resentment, you can actively ask their opinions on some smaller, less important decisions and then agree with what they say things like what hymns to have at your childs christening. As you can imagine, the generational gap is quite huge, so there are bound to be fights and arguments for sure. Eventually, you feel less worthy and as if you have to compete with them for his time. If you do decide to have a conversion with your husband's household or spouse's household, household dinners could be a good setting. Unfortunately, not everyone has enough money to buy a house once they find the love of their life. "I wasn't allergic," she says. And your so-called partner wont stop anyone from hurting you. Accept your husbands strong relationship with his mom, 9. Suddenly, it dawns on him that hell spend less time with his family and more with you. Yes, that includes your spouses attachment to his family. The question of who should come first is further complicated for religious couples, who also have to figure out where God fits into . Speaking badly about his family or his character will only make the situation worse. The dynamics of a house changes when a new person comes in. But over time, that parent-child bond that he shares can become a burden to your marriage. For example, if his parents are lending (or giving) you the money to put a down payment on your house, then they may use that as leverage to make decisions about which house you buy. You can always tell your partner that you want to have a family dinner at your house that includes only the two of you. The consent submitted will only be used for data processing originating from this website. Top My Husband Chooses His Family Over Me Quotes. Copyright 2022 Bennett, Coleman & Co. Ltd. All rights reserved.For reprint rights: Samsung presents the awesome Galaxy A23 5G to Shantanu Maheshwari! If he insists on spending every weekend with his family, you are well within your rights to say no and to do your own thing instead sometimes, especially if your relationship with his family is a little strained. Maybe youre wrong and hes right. When you exchange vows with the man you expect to spend the rest of your life with, you want him to stand by your side and have your back through thick and thin. Neither you nor any of his relatives can have an influence on his decisions. And you dont know what to do about it. For example, if they try to suggest Rose for the name of your forthcoming daughter, but you have another name in mind, politely state: Thats a lovely name, but were very keen on Catherine, actually., Or if they try to muscle in on a family holiday that was meant just for the two of you and your children, respond by saying: Were really looking forward to some quality time just the 3/4/5 of us, but why dont we plan a weekend away with all of us later in the year?. If your husband spends time with his parents straight after coming home from work, keeps chatting with them for hours and then heads off to sleep without spending time with you, then its a concern. Should he balk at that idea, or insist that you back down and accept abuse and ill treatment for the sake of maintaining familial harmony, then youll have some tough decisions ahead of you. If you feel disconnected or frustrated about the state of your marriage but want to avoid separation and/or divorce, the marriage.com course meant for married couples is an excellent resource to help you overcome the most challenging aspects of being married. The biggest mistake that you could make is to involve other people in solving your marriage issues. Likewise, you can come to an agreement about what would be an acceptable frequency for his guys night outs. As such, he needs to understand that compromises need to be made. Realize he is their child first and he lived with them much longer than he lived with you. Show him these rewards and it'll give him reasons to keep trying and growing. One excuse that's commonly heard in situations where your husband chooses his family over you is "they've been family to me longer than we've been a couple." Basically, that because they've all known one another and supported one another for as long as your husband has been alive, they - and their views, wants, needs, and preferences - need to take precedence over yours. We've detected your location as Mumbai. Rather than reducing my pain, you asked me to develop a habit of bearing that pain silently. Over the days and weeks that followed, my husband stood his ground. He has to want it. Instead, hes allowing you to be mistreated, disrespected, and made to feel like crap. Most of the time he is not realizing the pressures he is putting on his wife by having an entourage of relatives always at home. 1. Your husband may have lived in such a dynamic for his entire life. As a consequence, your man spent a significant amount of time with his family, be it family dinners, gatherings, or game nights. Ask for his perspective on things, so he doesnt feel like youre barraging him with a volley of issues about the people he loves, and allow for the possibility that there might be some situations in which theres misinterpretation. Ask him to ensure that his parents dont overspend a lot, the same way you maintain a strict budget. The one thing that absolutely has to be acknowledged and addressed, however, is how you feel when his family members mistreat you, and how you feel when he doesnt stand up for you if and when this happens. Related Reading: How Destructive Are Indian In-Laws? But instead of festering and fighting with him, you could think of taking some steps so that he could balance his own family and your aspirations as well. Parent-Child bond that he shares can become a victim of toxic behavior just because are... 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